tonight i mourn

i thought i was going to sleep, but the thought didn't really appeal to me. it's these mindless thoughts that keep one awake, only to realise that one wasn't truly awake, only staring with open eyes. so what if your neurons fire upon sensory stimulation? so what if you believe you have vision? what matters is that we never truly experience truth. even when we attempt to live life the fullest we can. it may simply be the best lie you've ever told yourself.

and with that in mind, i attempt to change the world. no wait, the world is big. it's got 6.5 billion people. i'll start with singapore. and what a place to start! everyone's a mindless robot. if i had for one moment believed that i wasn't thinking, i just need to look around me to console myself.

everyone hates the pap. you'd think that's because they've done a good custodian job and imposed good stern rules to keep singapore in good shape. wrong. they've used every possible short-term strategy there is to maintain their hegemony they could ever think up and used it on the poor populace. once upon a time, we singaporeans were tough, we fought for our independence, we fought against racial injustices, we shed blood daily to build the nation (now we hire bangladeshis). today we are just a desolate people long ago succumbed to the brainwashing powers of the men in white. with their keen sense of indoctrination and materialist massages, the hegemon had no trouble imprisoning the 4 million hardy dogs in their own minds. sph, ns, cme, cpf, hdb, coe, erp, gst, isa... i think there were at least 2 dozen other cold faceless acronyms that have come to dominate our reality.

if any singaporean truly believes s/he understands her/is reality, let her/im stand up! oh no, we don't even have the courage any more - our knees have gone to jelly. who knows which phantom sniper would shoot your head off when you say lky should just die. who knows which sycophant is gonna sack your sorry civil servant ass when you decide to spoil your worthless vote. who knows when the day will come when one of your outspoken friends would get locked away in sentosa without any warning. is this all we are capable of? fear? cowering in the false prosperity of the incorrupt party? clamouring for puny upgrades to overpriced hdb flats we will never be able to pay off in our pathetic lifetime? bloodthirstily scanning coe prices for the right time to scrap a mint-condition car so that you can get that next one to show off to your other bloodthirstily coe-scanning friends? and of course, nothing beats mugging your brains to mush just to score that flimsy A on a worthless certificate.

yes, tonight i mourn, for the reality that i was going to allow myself to escape from (through sleep). the only problem is, morning always comes too soon, and before anyone can begin thinking, i'm stuck in the daily routine yet again. the melancholic wailings of a semi-subservient loser... what ever the fuck did i bother to type this for. small wonder i keep my private addictions and pretend to pretend they don't exist. small wonder a small part of me dies away every morning.

and you know what? it was easter. perhaps the hopelessness i see in the country is the reason i over-exert myself in css. perhaps the hierarchical nature of the church seems a great proving ground for my liberal socialist ideologues. i am treating my religion like an opiate - to soothe my wounded idealism and to escape from the harsher reality.

why don't i just go play guitar instead.