Saturday, December 31, 2005

CHECK THIS OUT

in a twist of fate! while surfing for torrents, i chanced upon this link:

Top Scientists Validating the Supernatural Universe

in a nutshell, the article talks about Zero Point Energy and how it resembles the Force of Star Wars acclaim, and - brace yourselves - how this whole theory is being studied by frontier scientists. will this be the big religio-scientific connection i've been searching for? god knows.

and for those who wanna read something less boring, try god of the hopeless, a skit i created from thin air.

Friday, December 30, 2005

almost blasphemous...

yet an utterly lovely analogy filled with amazing anthropic sweetness. yes i'm using those goddamned vague terms, but they still mean something nonetheless! and so we move on to yet another plagiarised oxygen~
"intellectual property is only intellectual when shared."

22 Dec

MUD REFLECTING GOD


"What dirty, dreadful, disgusting stuff!" exclaimed a man referring to the mud along the streets of London.

"Hold on, my friend," said Ruskin, "not so dreadful after all. what are the elements of this mud? First, there is sand; but when its particles are crystallized according to the law of Nature, what is nicer than clean white sand? And when that which enters into it is arranged according to the still higher law, we have matchless opal."

"What else have we in this mud? Clay. And the materials of clay, when the particles are arranged according to their higher laws, make the brilliant sapphire."

"What other ingredients enter into the London mud? Soot. And soot in its crystallized perfection, forms the diamond."

"There is but one other - water. And water, when distilled according to the higher law of its nature, forms the dewdrop resting in exquisite perfection in the heart of the rose."

"So, in the muddy, lost soul of man is hidden thr image of his Creator; and God will do His best to find His opals, sapphires, His Diamonds, and His dewdrops."

- E. L. Moon (1000 Stories You Can Use, Volume Two by Frank Mihalic, SVD)

Do you know what makes up your make up?

Thursday, December 29, 2005

oxygenated

sighs... have been slacking off lately with my zeal to read oxygen... i had almost 40 unread oxygens in my mailbox last time i checked! but herein comes a new challenge... to read thru old oxygens. and tho old they may be, each fresh insight still hits me like a lemon. like this one:

11 Dec - Third Sunday of Advent

HOME AND HEAVEN

A little boy always wanted to visit the place where heaven and earth meet. He could see it quite plainly from his mother's cottage and he thought the place where heaven came down to earth must be very beautiful.

With his eyes fixed on the horizon, the "meeting place of heaven and earth" be began one day, to walk. He walked on and on until he became very tired. he found himself in a valley where the horizon lay hidden from view: A cottage was near, and a woman was standing in the door. He told her of his quest, and she pointed out a house not so very far away.

"There it is," she said, "only hurry; it will soon be dark." He hurried on and was soon climbing the hill that led to his own home. And there in the doorway was his mother waving him a greeting.
"My own home," he thought to himself, "the place where heaven and earth meet."

- Drinkwater (1000 Stories You Can Use, Volume Two by Frank Mihalic, SVD)

Do you recognise your own home as the place where heaven and earth meet?

just imaginary

~~~ i m a g i n e . . .

...if i had gotten a guitar when i was 5, would i have practiced still my fingers bled and set my eyes on turning into a guitar virtuoso? would i have quit school, spent half my time with the guitar everyday and neglected everything else? what if i was simply classically trained in, say piano or violin (like the rest of bourgeois singapore)? would i have skipped NS like a certain someone? would i be even more megalomaniacal than i already am right now?

...if my parents had divorced when i was in sec sch, would i be better off? would i be more matured? would i have had such a dramatically different experience in life that my entire personality would have been something else altogether? would my mum be happier? would my bro be happier? would my dad be happier? would i be happier? would it have mattered?

...if i never doubted anything, prefering to simply leave it in the hands of some higher authority, shrewdly sidestepping occasions which would draw me to ask unnecessary philosophical questions, would i still be serving in church? could i have become a slipshod atheist? or worse still - a clueless "believer"? will i end up closer to heaven or hell? will i make more friends or lose them all? would i be happier not attempting to understand what "happy" meant?

...if the entire universe were to say "fuck it" to the current laws of physics, would our souls be affected? if we found some way to warp dimensional rigidity, would it be universally catastrophic? what if physics discovers God in this peculiar fashion? what if the future of the entire known universe depended on that one scientist's decision to take that "leap" and go beyond understanding/obeying the rules? if that decision were up to me, would i have said "hell yeah" nonchalantly without thought?

...if every individual on the planet were to suddenly be awakened to the reality that social rules are not necessarily obligatory unless consequentially implied, would there be chaos or peace? what if each soldier realised that they weren't fighting for their "country" but some political/diplomatic blunder? what if we realised that most laws and the entire modern judiciary system only serve to protect the rich bullies who didn't need the protection in the first place? what if the popes, dalai lamas, and mullahs where to say that most religious doctrines only tell you to accept your fate in order to keep you docile and manageable? what if you found out that most cultural norms and taboos are no more than transient fads destined to be superseded in some manner by people who dare to do so? what if society isn't god and never was... but we've all been blind slaves to an imaginary one in our minds?

...if i were to cease existing tmr, would it matter in any metaphysical sense? how about socio-evolutionarily? parapsychologically? i know it'd matter to quite a few people in some plausible manner, but above and beyond that... would i get to see God if i ceased to exist? if i ceased to exist, then what? how about if my entire existence prior to that were to be wiped off in some mythical way? what if i don't cease to exist physically, but all instances of my existence are to be erased? what if i became an undetectable ghost? what would that be like?

and that's why i'm human - i can imagine. can you?

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

what is feeling?

"staring into someone's eyes and wondering why they stare back at yours."

"hearing a voice over the phone and attempting to explain the strange sweetness it conveys."

"brushing someone's arm and falling into the dilemma of restraining yourself from plotting to reconstruct that scenario again even when it felt so damn good."

"smiling yourself silly without ever stopping to wonder why."

"that subconscious effort to talk about stuff other than yourself, to especially focus on stuff to do with that someone."

"walking and walking and walking... without ever feeling it."

"vulnerability that doesn't get abused."

"time well spent."

...and so you see, for someone attempting to deconstruct feelings, it's still impossible to escape its infinite grasp. indeed, it's almost like the more you attempt to distance yourself, the closer it breathes down your throbbing neck. feelings do not care if you understand them or not... they just go ahead and happen. it's like rain... you don't know it's started till it hits you.

so... why this rush of quixotic emotion? if only i had a handle on this situation... yet strangely i don't consider myself lost - in fact i feel like i've found myself, somewhat? my existence continues to confound me in the weirdest manners possible (as the reason in my head would have it).

now that something within me has been laid so utterly bare... what next? should i prepare to apprehend these fleeting ghosts of reality experienced? should i embolden myself for some affirmative action? shoud i consider embracing myself for some devastating aftershocks? i do not wish to pursue clairvoyance, but how i wish i knew what lies ahead.

i guess i should wait.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

wake me up when december ends

cheesy? no, really... december has been tough. i truly wish i could sleep thru the rest of it... but i can't, and i won't. i don't know whether to call it my stubborn streak, that adamant pride reluctant to groan in defeat as the gruelling schedule keeps up, or just simply denial.

what am i working my ass off for?

the retreat refreshed all the doubts that haunted me for the past few months. i had counted on the retreat being a refreshing experience alright, but not in this sense! here's a list of questions i thought i'd need to answer before being capable of contributing as a proper catholic:
The Tract of Doubts
Who is God? Jesus? Love? Reason? Society?
What is Humanity? Experience? Emotion?
Submission - what does it take?
Ego-centrism? Pride? Who else is involved?
Leap of Faith - why leap? What do we abandon?
The question of intent... for what purpose?
Why ask? Why question? What does the doubter gain?
Pursuit of Truth? What is Truth? Is there Truth?
Knowledge vs Wisdom: is it wise to know?
Desire... Thirst... Hunger... Craving...
Human paradigms? To be abandoned?
Defiance, Arrogance; where's the line?
Scepticism, Incredulity; what's the aim?
The Search for Answers: Magisterium?
Where doubts remain unaddressed, what do i believe?
Expectation, Satisfaction; primality of self?
Deconstruction: an end unto itself?
Objectivity/Subjectivity, why one or the other?
Priority? Focus? What deserves my attention?
Choose: is there Choice?
i don't know why i ask so many questions... is it some queer form of ego-trip? trying to act cheem? trying to go where no man should? challenging the powers that be? where does this perverted lust for tearing concepts apart come from?? why should i cave in to its demands??

it torments me to be unable to accept simple theories which may be flawed due to philosophical nitpicking; yet neither am i able to accept them without claiming a thorough understanding of all the vague terminology they tend to use. but the problem remains that i am not able to thoroughly study all these alleged logical inconsistencies nor investigate the controversies surrounding my faith.

so how? i still gotta go caroling, still gotta go mass, still gotta do what i've been doing. gotta? i don't know... now i don't feel like doing anything... until i understand what feeling means... i might never really feel like doing anything anymore.

this december might just never end... or i could re-read Psalm 119.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

new old blog!

wahaha... while posting a comment to jon's blog post (xanga) i realised i need an account to submit, so i tried typing in 'alveolate' in the username - and guess what? it's taken! by ME! a couple of years back i think... it's one of my forgotten blogs... memories of when i was a young goon intent to ruin the world with his impetuous antics. well, i think it was supposed to be private, but screw it, here it is for the interested.

alveolate 08 june ~ 16 nov 2003

damn, for a private blog, the url was awfully easy to guess... so much for all that smug vacuous confidence in my intelligence... back then.

update: omg... after reading a few articles... even i myself am amazed at the level of clarity i possessed back then... in fact, compared to my current posts... i'd say those xanga ones were of far higher quality... i had no idea such expressibility of the mind had existed before... i'm in awe of my old posts! and so i recognise... that i've... depreciated... degenerated... become a doll of the puppet master.

ode to cute guys

crazy song inspired by singing while bothering with my darned looks... it's actually singable! haha. i'm becoming a closet rocker wannabe... so much for antiestablishmentarianism.

CUTE GUY!
=========
what if i was a cute guy
albeit just a little shy
would u still just pass me by
or would u give me a try

of all the things that money could buy
shd i spend on looks or on humble pie
but don't you wish that i would try
to judge u not by the size of your thighs

CHORUS
hey... i don't wanna be a cute guy
oh... but i wanna be your guy
why oh why must i wear that tie
yeah... you gotta realise
that who i am... is what's inside

what if i was a little high
screaming left and right dreaming i'm a jedi knight
would u simply just pass me by
or would u be edified

cute guys sweet guys loaded guys
could you tell if they had lied
nice guys suave guys hunky guys
aren't their lives too simplified

CHORUS

BRIDGE (maybe some silly solo)

hey... what a beautiful life
oh... it's so good that i could die
yeah... it's all a SOCIAL CONSTRUCT!!!
haha! you gotta realise!
that who you are... is what's inside

ENDING
ooo... cuteness is just a disguise...
what cute guy? i'm just me.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

le contrôleur grand

what if society is god... and god is merely a puppet?
what if this god of a puppet is slave to something sinister?

who, then, would the Grand Comptroller be?

peace... order... rules... laws... restraints... constraints... control... power...
time... priority... occupation... rationalisation... dehumanisation... alienation...
religion... belief... faith... reason... doubt...
culture... propaganda... ideology... lies...
morality... teleology... purpose... existence...
life... humanity... psychology... conditions... emotions...


emotion.
a small word, and yet so powerful... amongst the multiplicity of our masters, is she not the one to whom we're most intimately and inextricably bound? for all our achievements as human beings, can any of us claim freedom from the sweetest dominatrix of all? even as we conquer mundane obstacles... could we claim superordination over her and yet remain human?

worry.
by virtue of the rational faculties each mind assumes it possesses, we keep ourselves perpetually worrying... worrying about what-ifs, what-nots; worrying about uncertainties, confidence; worrying about minute details, the big picture. there exists not a situation for anyone to truly exist with no worries save for death, and yet we formulated society simply to escape such a brutish existence!

embarassment.
beyond the formal rules and cultural norms, something "automatic" within each of us attempts to rein us in - the blush and self-criticism. we endlessly, needlessly, lambast ourselves when, in a moment of courageous folly, we may have flaunted behavioural prescriptions. and so a self-restraining device casts a spell of inordinate fear imprisoning our every action from our firm control.

so you thought you were in control... but are you really? when was the last time you truly made a choice? when was the last time you even had one? if le contrôleur grand gives you a list of choices, are you then less of a puppet in any way?

society is god, and god is a puppet
the strong remain in control
but the weak may never know
leaning precariously over the parapet
will i let go and fly
off the show and the lies
and knowingly die without regret?
yet here are my feet
shuffling in defeat
i'm still firmly rooted to this carpet

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

the front pew

i'm a roman catholic. 'roman' largely due to religiously inconsequential historical factors, i.e. stuff that's good to know trivia with little effect on one's relationship with god. or is it?

mass... the thing we attend as part of our weekly routine. for some it's spiritually recharging, for others a source of divine inspiration. yet others may consider it the highest form of worship. but i suggest that a vast majority never think that far.

what makes a sacrament? as i watch a few hundreed glass-eyed parishioners file forward for their dose of communion, it makes me wonder. what do they think? why do they say 'amen' to the 'body of christ'? why do they bring their kids up for 'blessing'? why do some make the sign of the cross? is a sacrament little more than a personal interpretation of some symbolism-laden rituals? what are the consequences for us as persons? if there's such a thing, our 'spirituality'? our 'relationship with god'? these imprecise and hardly quantifiable concepts which seem so central to my very existence continue to torment me. am i being taken for a grand ride? could life really be meaningless, just as it currently feels?

and yet, setting all these abhorrent doubts and perturbing consternation aside, mass at nativity failed to recharge, inspire, or constitute some form of worship for me. while my faith simmers in denouement, the church and the religion persistently demands rote effort of me.

i sit in the front pew, but i truly am far from being inside the church.