Friday, April 21, 2006

oxygenated

when i find it hard to finish reading up the oxygens in my email, is it because i'm allowing myself to drift away from god? no, the font is weirdly small in gmail, i have to revise, etc. but i don't see myself applying these excuses for my indulgent addictions.

when i do get to reading some of it, why does every affirmative line arouse some vestibule of doubt in my mind? questions abound:
  1. why do we consider christ's love perfect?
    consider the anthropomorphic principle: because we are not capable of fathoming or imitating his type of love. if i were to go spread the word of god as he did, and end up getting brutally murdered, would anyone say i did that out of love for every single human being that ever existed, even if i claim it so? yet because he was god so his sacrifice fulfilled old testament prophecies and redeemed the world. how can there ever be a question or doubt to such logic?

  2. why are we touched by the experiences of his disciples?
    do we truly identify with the trials and tribulations they went thru? the way the apostles mistook christ's promise of a kingdom... the way the apostles got scared and ran away... the way the apostles found renewed hope and zeal in the good news of easter... is that truly how we identify ourselves with them? or are we making effusive extrapolations which are not adequately substantiated?

  3. why is every christian journey one of repentence and renewal?
    are we really that sinful? recalling such theories as internalisation and externalisation of responsibility, what function, then, does guilt serve? the 40 days of lent and all that repression... is it truly helpful, or am i just revising psych a lil too much? how does shame and judgment comingle to make us better (by what standard, too) people? where do abstract stuff like faith, hope and love come in? how do they work?

  4. what is that fluffy sensation i get when i somehow recognise some of the sharings?
    when you feel some tingling beneath your skin, that somehow soothing allusion to "deep inner peace", how is that quantifiable? is that truly what i seek? why? why bother? is that not a somewhat positive form of addiction? but is losing one's self-mastery to such positivity (which once again begs further definition) really such a suspicious act as to warrant all my doubting? especially when i have far less respectable addictions to deal with... am i justified? or is either way destined to feel emotional and irrational anyway?

  5. why am i so sceptical about "life-changing" experiences?
    am i simply jealous? am i simply evil and mistrusting? am i trying too hard to obtain indisputable proof, proof which a jealous, evil and mistrusting secular world would demand, and still not be satisfied when they see it? is not the conversion of an chronically irrepentant ex-convict a miracle? is not the willingness of once megalomaniacal assholes to surrender their pride to the lord (or anything else "respectable" enough) something to give good cheer for? is not the serendipity of a CDD 'A' level score still managing to squeeze into NUS god's sign? or am i too caught up with the social factors which allow such dramatic changes, with deconstructing these maudlin expressions of human fickleness, with my forcible attempts to tear the wool out of my corneas?
where am i going with this? should i truly take a REAL break, take PROPER stock, and do what i think i should do? trust my conscience! how could i, after all that i've doubted! and thus i may have oxygenated my ability to belief - hanging in midair indefinitely, somewhat aspirated yet still preposterously uninspired.

may god have mercy on my soul (if i still have one).

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