wake me up when december ends

cheesy? no, really... december has been tough. i truly wish i could sleep thru the rest of it... but i can't, and i won't. i don't know whether to call it my stubborn streak, that adamant pride reluctant to groan in defeat as the gruelling schedule keeps up, or just simply denial.

what am i working my ass off for?

the retreat refreshed all the doubts that haunted me for the past few months. i had counted on the retreat being a refreshing experience alright, but not in this sense! here's a list of questions i thought i'd need to answer before being capable of contributing as a proper catholic:

The Tract of Doubts
Who is God? Jesus? Love? Reason? Society?
What is Humanity? Experience? Emotion?
Submission - what does it take?
Ego-centrism? Pride? Who else is involved?
Leap of Faith - why leap? What do we abandon?
The question of intent... for what purpose?
Why ask? Why question? What does the doubter gain?
Pursuit of Truth? What is Truth? Is there Truth?
Knowledge vs Wisdom: is it wise to know?
Desire... Thirst... Hunger... Craving...
Human paradigms? To be abandoned?
Defiance, Arrogance; where's the line?
Scepticism, Incredulity; what's the aim?
The Search for Answers: Magisterium?
Where doubts remain unaddressed, what do i believe?
Expectation, Satisfaction; primality of self?
Deconstruction: an end unto itself?
Objectivity/Subjectivity, why one or the other?
Priority? Focus? What deserves my attention?
Choose: is there Choice?

i don't know why i ask so many questions... is it some queer form of ego-trip? trying to act cheem? trying to go where no man should? challenging the powers that be? where does this perverted lust for tearing concepts apart come from?? why should i cave in to its demands??

it torments me to be unable to accept simple theories which may be flawed due to philosophical nitpicking; yet neither am i able to accept them without claiming a thorough understanding of all the vague terminology they tend to use. but the problem remains that i am not able to thoroughly study all these alleged logical inconsistencies nor investigate the controversies surrounding my faith.

so how? i still gotta go caroling, still gotta go mass, still gotta do what i've been doing. gotta? i don't know... now i don't feel like doing anything... until i understand what feeling means... i might never really feel like doing anything anymore.

this december might just never end... or i could re-read Psalm 119.