the front pew

i'm a roman catholic. 'roman' largely due to religiously inconsequential historical factors, i.e. stuff that's good to know trivia with little effect on one's relationship with god. or is it?

mass... the thing we attend as part of our weekly routine. for some it's spiritually recharging, for others a source of divine inspiration. yet others may consider it the highest form of worship. but i suggest that a vast majority never think that far.

what makes a sacrament? as i watch a few hundreed glass-eyed parishioners file forward for their dose of communion, it makes me wonder. what do they think? why do they say 'amen' to the 'body of christ'? why do they bring their kids up for 'blessing'? why do some make the sign of the cross? is a sacrament little more than a personal interpretation of some symbolism-laden rituals? what are the consequences for us as persons? if there's such a thing, our 'spirituality'? our 'relationship with god'? these imprecise and hardly quantifiable concepts which seem so central to my very existence continue to torment me. am i being taken for a grand ride? could life really be meaningless, just as it currently feels?

and yet, setting all these abhorrent doubts and perturbing consternation aside, mass at nativity failed to recharge, inspire, or constitute some form of worship for me. while my faith simmers in denouement, the church and the religion persistently demands rote effort of me.

i sit in the front pew, but i truly am far from being inside the church.