it's finally a day to slack since the exams ended and jon gave me the mission to go serve css... but all i can think about is how i've tried so hard to be loving (i really did) and only ended up feeling distance.
it strangely started with a love letter from steph & fel... it was a cheesy thingy la, and i was really quite happy to get it still (being my usual crappy self), but now that i have it, i dunno... it's not like they don't uncheesily love me or that i only love them cheesily, but i just... feel... distant. how do you love someone if you have no idea what's going on? how do you love someone if they are merely people you go out with or do css projects with? what kind of love is it when you're happy to see them just because they're at a meeting with you?
and furthermore i have been bugging half of css these days - the projects need manpower. while thinking up names to call, i was ever so aware of each soul's fragility - for some, this could be a huge opportunity to turn back to God, while for others, simply another annoying Christian to ignore. and even as i knew i had to push only in all gentleness, i heard a voice scream silently in my head: YOU are so fragile! that was when i knew i really needed Christ to be beside me in every little thing i do... or I will end up fluctuating again. but even if i'm not distant from my Lord... i still felt so far away from my dear friends whom i'm trying to contact...
but am i really trying? or am i merely hoping for more tools to help prop up the cantankerous machinery of css? am i pushing gently for people to help out or merely pushing them further away? there is no fear in love... then why am i so seized?
i went blog-visiting in my spare time (3-5am) hoping i could see a little warmth and closeness. i ended up posting the weirdest of posts: "i feel like i'm losing touch with you." amidst all the meetings i've been attending, the only thing i feel really close to is the work - having been there and done it all. the people are ever just out of reach... a sliver of translucent material just obscuring my grasp... i see them and i call out...
but only my voice comes back to me.
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but after deconstruction, is there meaning left?
rosary
double inverted commas
"you who seek deconstruction,
should also find reconstruction;
or risk contracting solipsism."
"i think too much, therefore i am too much."
"between love & hate, i choose between."
"there's a feeling that i have no feeling."
"we're not too energetic; you're too cynical."
"our differences are so similar
that our similarities start differing."
"after being deceived often enough,
the truth begins to hurt."
"we believe in fate to justify our fate."
"life is played too seriously;
love, seriously underplayed."
"our very existence is blasphemous."
"behold - the wisdom of relaxation."
"war: we have all been raped."
"where's the truth in faith?"
"when you're numb, all you'd feel is existence."
"respect the circle of judgement - you're next."
"nobody can logically be non-judgemental."
"tolerance gets you by until acceptance takes over."
"control, alternate, delegate."
"being beautiful only attracts ugly attention."
"do you verstehen?"
"predictably, humans are unpredictable."
"the only certainty in history is uncertainty;
the only uncertainty in history is certainty."
"human nature does not naturally exist in humans."
"socialisation is power."
"tolerate a half-truth today and you'll
be faced with a whole-lie tomorrow."
"behind each smile is a reason to look so happy."
"what drives us deprives us."
"what if society is god, and god is a puppet?"
"is it moral for one to moralise?"
"intellectual property is an oxymoron:
true knowledge is free."
"intellectual superiority is an oxymoron:
the truly wise know their inferiorities."
"if you say i'm creating meaning
aren't you doing the same for me?"
"war is the bastard child of patriotism."
"doubt requires belief in the contrary;
atheism is faith in godlessness."
"you are free to choose, whether you like it or not."
"teenage: when everything revolves around you.
maturity is the only cure."
"while playing that new RPG, you'll miss out
on the RPG of your life."
"hope makes joy possible.
faith makes love infinite."
"the depths of human existence are unfathomable."
"no label ever quite describes everything
- except maybe this one."
"when you see the end, the present becomes closer."
"instrumental rationality has no real instrumentality."
"i am an impact on the great big reality of everything."
"aren't most things the effect of some cause?"
"what's on the edge?
sharpness - the last subatomic particle."
"maybe i am, just so that you too, can be."
"my instincts are no longer able to save me
from today's predators."
"i'm different everyday; what difference does it make?"
"let me expressly express this expressively:
i'm not impressed by impressive impressions."
"i can be good if i know what being good can be."
"we are culturally, socially, intellectually unique;
yet existential duplicates."
"the wise need few words."
"you are free when you spend your time wisely."
"you who can treasure are already wealthy;
you who are wealthy should practice treasuring."
"i'd rather assume i'm wrong than claim to be right."
"success sucks the life out of us.
make sure your success is worth your life."
"philosophy without application is dead.
life without philosophy is dead physics."
"but truly, what is friendship
which blossoms not?"
"love is worth coming home to."
"there is a sweetness in the air we breathe;
but who cares?"
"can i do naught but give myself to eternity?"
should also find reconstruction;
or risk contracting solipsism."
"i think too much, therefore i am too much."
"between love & hate, i choose between."
"there's a feeling that i have no feeling."
"we're not too energetic; you're too cynical."
"our differences are so similar
that our similarities start differing."
"after being deceived often enough,
the truth begins to hurt."
"we believe in fate to justify our fate."
"life is played too seriously;
love, seriously underplayed."
"our very existence is blasphemous."
"behold - the wisdom of relaxation."
"war: we have all been raped."
"where's the truth in faith?"
"when you're numb, all you'd feel is existence."
"respect the circle of judgement - you're next."
"nobody can logically be non-judgemental."
"tolerance gets you by until acceptance takes over."
"control, alternate, delegate."
"being beautiful only attracts ugly attention."
"do you verstehen?"
"predictably, humans are unpredictable."
"the only certainty in history is uncertainty;
the only uncertainty in history is certainty."
"human nature does not naturally exist in humans."
"socialisation is power."
"tolerate a half-truth today and you'll
be faced with a whole-lie tomorrow."
"behind each smile is a reason to look so happy."
"what drives us deprives us."
"what if society is god, and god is a puppet?"
"is it moral for one to moralise?"
"intellectual property is an oxymoron:
true knowledge is free."
"intellectual superiority is an oxymoron:
the truly wise know their inferiorities."
"if you say i'm creating meaning
aren't you doing the same for me?"
"war is the bastard child of patriotism."
"doubt requires belief in the contrary;
atheism is faith in godlessness."
"you are free to choose, whether you like it or not."
"teenage: when everything revolves around you.
maturity is the only cure."
"while playing that new RPG, you'll miss out
on the RPG of your life."
"hope makes joy possible.
faith makes love infinite."
"the depths of human existence are unfathomable."
"no label ever quite describes everything
- except maybe this one."
"when you see the end, the present becomes closer."
"instrumental rationality has no real instrumentality."
"i am an impact on the great big reality of everything."
"aren't most things the effect of some cause?"
"what's on the edge?
sharpness - the last subatomic particle."
"maybe i am, just so that you too, can be."
"my instincts are no longer able to save me
from today's predators."
"i'm different everyday; what difference does it make?"
"let me expressly express this expressively:
i'm not impressed by impressive impressions."
"i can be good if i know what being good can be."
"we are culturally, socially, intellectually unique;
yet existential duplicates."
"the wise need few words."
"you are free when you spend your time wisely."
"you who can treasure are already wealthy;
you who are wealthy should practice treasuring."
"i'd rather assume i'm wrong than claim to be right."
"success sucks the life out of us.
make sure your success is worth your life."
"philosophy without application is dead.
life without philosophy is dead physics."
"but truly, what is friendship
which blossoms not?"
"love is worth coming home to."
"there is a sweetness in the air we breathe;
but who cares?"
"can i do naught but give myself to eternity?"
"righteousness, when actually lived out,
exudes a mythical air - and that's the Truth."
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