i am liminal

it's already my last paper... but like every other sem before this, the last paper is still the hardest to focus and revise for. aside from the exams themselves being so problematic and full of contradictions - not unlike my liminal self - i keep rationalising until i find this entire enterprise pointless. my head is truly a mess of fallacies!

i disagree with studying for the sake of grades. i should be enjoying my studies - it should be an endeavour aimed at enriching my knowledge, so that i may one day contribute to this growing mass... of trite, self-glorifying trivia? in enriching my knowledge, will that really amount to any sizable contribution in the future? besides... i don't think much of what i'm studying is truly worthy of respect anyway - much of it remains impenetrable to mere undergrads; the rest of it points at such obscure abstractions as to be barely useful in any sense.

some theories seem little more than attempts to publish so as to make a living. others seem like fiction which can't compete with real fiction authors. some are even like spiritual epiphanies from a higher realm, concepts which thrive upon so many interwoven hypotheses as to resemble theology or mythology more than a social theory based on real society. and of course... reality itself becomes hard to grasp.

where am i going with all this? so i'm trying to make sure i do a little better than if i had went for the paper without any revision at all... so i'm merely like the paranoid students i make fun of once in a while... so the grade does matter (i think) in whether i get to do my masters... well, the biggest 'so' in my head now is really... "so what?"

so what if i do do a little better? so what if i manage to maintain second uppers and end up doing masters? so what if i continue to feel so liminal, locked in a micro-universe besieged by endless, rationalising, discontinuous, ingenuous, pretentious, sanity-warping thoughts?

i will merely happen upon this feeling of liminality once more. damn you anthropologists - you think you figured out something about humanity, but you only got someone else planetstruck!