the absolute of absolutes

there is something going on within me threatening to overtake my reality. something undescribable, so unidentifiable it lacks description. something that may have been born of my unreasonable desire to understand the world, a desire that ran amok even though it has no reason to fuel it. something born of a mind losing its will, losing its perception, losing the very idea of self.

is this insanity? of course, insanity is describable, whether objectively or subjectively, insanity is a description based upon intuitive proofs; manifestations which can be compared and tested for truth. what is growing within me is beyond proof or manifestation. i can't see it, i can't sense it, nor can i even guess at its existence. will it ever surface? it might just stay within, it might even stop tormenting me one day. all i know is that now, whatever that thing is, it is growing within me.

perhaps it is corruption? a kind of generic vice with no identifiers, the kind that people are tempted to call the "root of evil"? and yet it does not register as such. it may be viewed as a negative influence, granted that i am losing myself, but that negativity itself may be negated when you consider my self to be a meaningless existence. what is wrong with removing references to that which never truly existed? is such an exposition of truth unsavoury? then i must say that this feeling of bad taste is the source of evil... unless truth itself is corrupted.

but the "it" within goes further. without a clue, without a sensation, "it" maintains a hold on me, all the while without materialising into any culpable entity or even an emotion. it is almost ominous, yet it may very well just have been my imagination. that fleeting state of near-existence, the lack of certainty, "it" remains unknown and unknowable. that it always escapes any form of grasping, that it is purposeless, formless, conceptually undetected, this always tempts me to try harder to find it. even though i know that i may lose myself, or lose everything else.

what is "it"? yes... you might have been able to guess... one common name for such a frivolous non-item is Nothingness, the absolute of all absolutes. of any idea that can ever claim to be an idea, Nothingness is the most absolute. could you say that nothing is less than nothing? perhaps... if you understand what "nothing" means in the first place. for all the emptiness surrounding my knowledge of Nothingness, i can only tell one thing for certain: that Nothingness is growing within me.

perhaps... i am becoming Nothingness.