Tuesday, July 11, 2006

where am i?

i can sense the danger lights flickering yet again... i guess i'm on the threshold of exhausting myself yet again.

right after the exams (which i loathingly revised for) a jolly bunch of us were thrown into the frenetic business of planning the orientation camp. right after this camp, i had a couple of days before leaving for my 2 week trip through bangkok, macau, and hong kong. unlike the camp, i didn't really plan much of the itinery for this trip, and many a surprising turn characterised my first attempt at backpacking (including getting myself attached!) and before i could realise i'm back in singapore, it was foc follow-up, lined up right before the life in the spirit seminar. well, here i am after catching a bit of a breather for one day, but mm is having their retreat soon...

am i missing the point?

i know i have a pathological need to keep myself occupied with the business of entertaining others, sharing myself with people. but in all this outpouring, have i neglected those dearest to me? yes, i guess i enjoy self-deprecation a little too much for my own good, but even then i also realise - from the question 'where am i?' - that i have probably neglected my own needs as well.

and embedded in all this misdirection, is one gigantic scandal: what if my under-managed efforts to 'minister to others' are a sham? what if in my enthusiasm to reach out and impress/debate/entertain, i am actually nourishing a spirit of pride more than anything?

am i developing a complex?

even then... amidst all my self-doubting, the foc had been a resounding success - largely due to an amazing team of exuberant workers serving an unbelievable posse of freshmen; the overseas trip was nothing short of fantastic - a collection of wondrous experiences i can never forget; and LISS truly refueled my thirst for the spirit's gifts. i had learnt to cling less to my doubts and allow belief to blossom. i have had reminders aplenty that all is in good hands - God's mighty hands - and all i have to do is love as he has commanded.

so then... where is the love?

then let me boldly affirm this: love is where i am - I AM IN LOVE!!!

and now... all i need is to get these warning lights to dim. world cup is over, time for a disciplined sleep cycle.

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