smells like religion

14 oxygens waiting to be read - bad time management can really squeeze God out. but now that the deadlines are firmly dead, what's next? i start sifting thru some of these oxygens, and the first thing i notice is how the message jumps out, but separated into two tracks. one, that nice fuzzy feeling of some higher being looking out for you; two, that strange dissonant ring of doubt.

"smells like religion."

that is what an atheist would say, no? i have been wrestling with some of these questions for too long... and every time i think of blogging about them, i have to stop myself. what if these words cast an indelible mark of insecurity upon my readers? this blog is not merely for myself. these are not simply ideas i wish to air. there are people - dear friends - who will see them. if i can see a need to exercise prudence as an exco member, then even more so should i not air these virulent doubts.

but... i already have aired a slight hint of these doubts. they are highly philosophical in nature. if i've learnt anything from 'Hume & Kant', it is that some of these questions can be debated for another 200 years and we will still not arrive at any greater clarity. yet i feel a strange connection with them... just like how the mind of an 'empirical realist' or a 'transcendental idealist' deals with existential questions fascinates me.

"smells like philosophy."

why does that not evoke the same kind of negative connotation? why does grappling with philosophical questions which concern the very state of reality itself seem more acceptable than dealing with questions of faith and afterlife? is God more certain than cognition? why do i feel academic about doubting my senses while doubting the bible reduces me to queasiness?

"smells like sociology."

norms. socialisation. peer pressure. monkey see monkey do. if you care about any person, you would care about that person's belief system. between attempting to deconstruct beliefs which are taken for granted and giving the believers due concern and respect, is there any path to tread? or is battling the comfort zone doomed to all-out war? i need more demarcation, yet perhaps it is something impossible to achieve.

and yet, this so-called concern for others still rings hollow. i believe my uneasiness is due to something deeper within - that fear of deconstructing faith itself. what if i succeed? what if i become the person i claim to be trying to understand - an atheist?

what ever it smells like, the only reason why "smells" is used instead of "sounds" or "looks" is probably because it is one of those senses which don't alert you all the time - only in times of sensibility. i pray the sensibility sticks.

unmotivatable

is this one of those "lows"? i don't know. all i know is, i've tried what i believe to be "summoning some strength" but it never does materialise. am i barely hanging on? when my mind goes kind of blank and i forget - really forget - just what i am doing or the reasons for doing so, a part of me begins to give up. i surrender (not exactly to god) and i must admit (not because i'm humble) that i've overestimated myself.

i simply don't have what it takes to juggle all i'm juggling. i'm not delicate enough for this balancing act. i'm not capable enough to organise all those clashing thoughts. i'm not even stable enough to deal with these issues as what they are - separate issues.

i have to give something up. before i bloody crash and burn.

tired

so tired of preaching.
i need to start practicing.
why are you holding me back?
that's what i really wanna do!
why do you warp my reality?
why fill it with wars?
i've had my fill; it's not what i wanna feel.
you've been defiled; and i'm concerned.
what are you concerned with?
my deep consternation -
with these condescending nations?
let them descend!
then send me to them!
when they've saved enough,
then it'd all depreciate.
let me save them - i was born for it.
let me appreciate it.
but you're a stubborn god, aren't you?
if society was god, you'd've stubbed your toe.
you'd've toed that line
between socialism and communism.
but you don't communicate with us -
you're just an export from the US.
quit practicing consumerism;
it's quietly consuming our preaching.

can you hear the spirit...

...calling come away?

if you hear about it,
and you think about it,
even talk about it,
what would you do?
what would you do about it?

if you read about it,
and you write about it,
even sing about it,
what would you do?
what would you do about it?

i've heard your calling -
a fire raging in my soul,
a slight tremble in my fingers
as the images fill my mind.

i've witnessed your glory -
the undeniable fruits of faith.
but my heart continues to doubt;
these thoughts escape my control.

when you see mountains of obstacles
take heed my friend, recall his words:
all you need to move them is a mustard seed of faith!

are you sinking in your sorrows?
are you worried about tomorrow?
are the pressures of this life too hard to bear?

try to cast your cares on him
he'll give you perfect peace within
can you hear the spirit calling come away...

capitalist greed... or feudalistic greed?

i have a new habit of making short posts.

would you prefer a world where materialism and petty capitalist feuds ruled the headlines... or a world where religious wars and ethnic conflicts are the norm? so long as selfish greed is endemic to the rich/powerful, capitalism would just be a less physically violent presentation of outright warfare.

obedience & tenacity

why stop at being a phag?
now i can be a phagot.

to be Obedient to God and the authorities He has placed in power over me.

to be Tenacious in accepting the trials He has entrusted me with.

Amen.

courting controversy

with new roles comes new responsibilities. was about to blog my sincere, heartfelt, radical comments about the pope-quote-byzantine-emperor saga - but i have second thoughts.

as a representative of css, how should i behave? as a lector, could i doze off in the front pew during an excessively boring homily? as a close friend, do i simply do as i like and ignore his/er feelings?

if being myself means being a pain in the ass, being a relentlessly repugnant rebel, being a n impropmptu challenge to a person's beliefs, is that still a "self" i'd like to call myself?

society exists for a reason. people do not generate and follow norms for fun. not all these justifications may be acceptable for me, but being a Phag means 4 norms straight to follow.

Patience. it is not always the time to court controversy. take a step back, and two forward may follow.

Humility. don't court controversy just to hear your own voice ring out louder than others'
thoughts.

Appreciation. controversy tends to criticise and dismiss instead of appreciate. court appreciation.

Gentleness. court whatever - but how gentle is the spirit? things will get across better if done gently.

so the only controversy i shall court tonight is making this prayer:
Lord make me a PHAG.
Amen.