the holidays began on 6th May - and it's been 80 days since. i've managed to scrape myself through an orientation camp, a couple of retreats, and some exco stuff. other than that, i've also managed to NOT start my driving lessons, read up for my thesis, get a job for money, arrange get-togethers for at least 3 groups of old friends, catch up with my own family (how about that), pack up my room, work on the bad habits, communicate more with God, and... i should stop lambasting myself.
the hols thus far have really been great. many, MANY moments to be thankful for. and i can really live with all my shortcomings so far - sorry to my friends and family who have to live with them too - all except one.
i need to love.
once again, i find myself atop that breathtaking precipice. a great panoramic view of the Garden God has created surrounds me and fills my being - i brim with pride and joy. the boundless blue sky daintily pettered with shades of cloud alluring beyond human imagination. the rugged beauty of a jagged landscape replete with forest, mountain, river, and plain - all unspoiled. the warm sunshine... the clear air... the uplifting breeze... all will remain as it is - cold perfection which humanity can only wonder about in complete amazement - unless i make a choice. i could despoil it: like my brethren, or i could fulfil it: by embracing it as i was created to do so. i know fully well which way i would like to go and how appropriate it would be.
and yet. i am stuck. a sore thumb ill-worthy of the God-given title: beloved. the serenity around me is all at once frozen - expectant. all it takes is a choice... to take one step forward... an exhilirating plunge into reality... a little leap of faith... but i am frozen in fear. uncertainty. doubt. self-lambasting.
i need to love - and i need to start with myself.
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