out of focus

sometimes i wonder if my eyes still see the world as it is... especially when tears well up uninvited and unanticipated, am i still perceiving the same images? what is it that i observe when i try to look? am i able to tell when my faculties have failed somewhat and i am no longer truly in focus?

and that's just vision. imagine the mind imagining. how do you conjure images in your head? how do you make sense of reality? when i piece images together in some form of flowing thread, do i truly grasp any of these sequences to any significant standard? do i even understand when i think i do? or is reality merely a figment of belief, that there can be no standard of understanding, that everything which i consider to exist can only do so insofar as i choose not to doubt it? and when i do doubt to some insatiable standard, then belief fades to obscurity, while objective existence theoretically ceases?

this can't be... it must be absurd. and yet i am infecund to protest this argument. when one tries to grasp something greater than himself, attempting to dissolve some semblance of self so as to experience a larger whole, one would seem to necessitate losing focus. losing belief. losing the firmness of ground upon which he used to stand. when attempting to qualify the totality of reality, how can one keep focus? or is the human mind doomed to losing it?

sometimes... i no longer understand what it is i think i am trying to understand.