curve the bell

sick and bored of exams? think you're a goner and feeling a sense of indescribable insecurity? well... there's always something you can do about it! here're some suggestions:
(warning: not all ideas have been practically tested. some may get you kicked.)

...make your presence felt
- dress outrageously. if someone's judging your dressing, that someone's distracted.
- chemical warfare. scent yourself pungently, attack your neighbour's olfactory nerves!
- indigestion. fart to any Mozart piece with impunity. not recommended for music exams.
- sonic booms. flip your papers loudly, click your pens incessantly, drag your chairs, etc.
- clumsiness. keep dropping stuff that you are not gonna use. drop them as far away as possible.
- tuberculosis. no, not cough to cheat; but cough to frustrate... or earn free strepsils.
- exeunt. when leaving, accidentally bump into adjacent folks, then apologise profusely.

...casting doubts unto others
- before it starts, tell your neighbours how you think this paper is easy and that they'll do fine.
- drop your answers once (or more) during the exam into your neighbours field of vision.
- simulate flipping your question paper with demonic speed. (flip forward, then flip back, etc.)
- always ask for more paper. but do not frustrate the same invigilator.
- exhibit extreme calulator dexterity: use it with one hand at 200wpm (audibly, of course).
- look focused, confidently smirk while shaking your head, and laugh softly periodically.
- smile and nod at all passing invigilators who make eye-contact.

...make friends and (mis)use them
- borrow stationery from everyone around you, whether you use it or not.
- tell them to be wary of their neighbour whom you suspect would copy their answers.
- wish them good luck and give an overly-firm handshake designed to crush their spirit.
- leave your phone (with a set alarm) under your neighbour's table. make sure set to full volume.
- invite your neighbours to discuss the answers after the exam.
- share your freaky amulets and ghoulish talismans with them, claiming to bring them luck.

so you see... the bell curve is not necessarily out of your control or a neutral tool. with the "right state of mind" and "keen creativity", anyone can curve the bell even on the last day of exams!

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critique of examinations: losers of the system become dissidents

the institution of 2-hour final papers is a subjective and unfair burden to all students, especially final papers which make up a large (make-or-break) percentage and essay questions requiring an impossible outline with no resources for quoting.
- there should be multiple smaller tests each designed to distribute a percentage of the grade.
- open book, multiple choice, and structured questions should be more common.
- where the objective is to distinguish brilliant students, non-stressful methods should be used.
- all methods of grading should be addressed against a backdrop of authoritatively approved aims and objectives for the grading itself. this list of goals for grading should be publicised (at minimum, all students should be made aware) and opened up for criticism and dialogue.

a further injustice is done with institutions that refuse to return the graded papers for fair scrutiny and review, further compounded by charging a fee for regrading.
- if the institution wants to keep any material, they should seek permission and inform us of the reason(s) to do so.
- if the grade is to be decided behind closed doors, the graders should at least detail their standards of marking and show them real examples.
- regrading should not be charged, and where fees are imposed, the reason(s) must be made known and appropriation of such monies justified.

there is a commonly-heard argument: if others can ace it, why can't you? this somewhat misleading and fallacious argument ignores the institutional injustices inscribed into the exams. if you ace an unfair exam, are you truly better? each exam goes some way in defining YOUR FUTURE. do you agree with the way they are defining it for you?

and for christ's sake, mugging is a negative externality generated by this oppressive regime. submit to it at your own peril, or be awakened and fight it.