a Lent picture

the tree outside my window has decided to grow a huge bunch of new leaves. guess the same should apply for me now! thanks, all my angels who have been pruning me - check back for new shoots soon~

my greatest fear

i like to think of myself as quite fearless. sometimes with a little too much swagger and almost no inhibition.

when people would say they have nightmares of their loved ones passing, i would do a private snigger - not that i feel these people are wimpish or anything, but that this fear i'd already have gotten over. yes, it's almost inhuman: i'm quite ready to face the loss of any loved one... it's true, i might tear a little, considering how final that loss could be - but in the Lord's lovely name i'm ready to commit their souls into His faithful arms.

guess you could call that "dealing with" loss rather than fearlessness, but neither am i very bothered by the fact that i could die any second. true, i'd not have the luxury of a last-gasp confession, but really, i believe God already has that covered. i'm more or less quite ready to be judged, in a sense (although more time would be good, definitely!). it seems death doesn't stump me much eh?

what about losing a limb? or sight? or all my material comforts? well... at the most these inconveniences would take a couple of months to get used to. i'm actually quite resigned to the fact that i will definitely need a wheelchair in old age, and my eyes will definitely go before i die. not that i don't do anything to prevent these inevitabilities, but part of that preparation involves imagining life like that and beginning to get used to it in bits - now. even accidental castration doesn't really faze me. honest.

looking through typical lists of fears, we see some usual suspects: arthropods; LOTS of bugs in a claustrophobic setting, maybe? eating a cockroach is quite icky to me... but if given a fear factor challenge, i believe i can down a few buckets of the vermin i hate most (puking notwithstanding). heights (think walking the parapet on a 100 storey building) would give me lots of jitters; but i actually can't wait to go bungee jumping! how about getting lost? in a dark haunted mansion? whew... that would be quite scary i'm sure... but you know, i do wanna talk to spirits - they are instant proof of the existence of an afterlife. getting lost in a jungle might be more horrifying. being eaten by some animal must be excruciating pain! how about this... getting hanged, drawn, and quartered? how much pain can i take before i will accede to any request? there is an amount of courage involved in this... although it is more tempered against endurance rather than raw fear (fear of more pain is really a way of saying you can't endure more pain, right?), though i reckon the sight of an iron maiden or the pyramid chair would send very pronounced chills down my spine...

and still, those aren't my greatest fears. this is:

i'm most afraid that one day i would discover that everyone i know is really pretending to be nice to me. that i am sealed within an airtight seal of pretence with completely no means of telling if what i believe about anyone really has any truth to it. that somehow a well-conceived conspiracy to keep me in the dark about how people really feel about me had spontaneously spawned, so that what ever i know about anyone's opinion is really false knowledge. a conjuration of deception so elaborately conceived, a web of impenetrable lies so finely spun, that my social reality is completely non-contingent upon any of my intellect. i cannot understand anyone's real feelings; my skills of interpretation themselves were products of this falsification. i am completely powerless and vulnerable emotionally. my impressions of myself from others' words lie completely shattered and meaningless. my purpose a farcical concoction. my life... utterly baseless.

that is my greatest fear. it's like some conspiracy-phobia, but it remains distinctly possible in small amounts. every time i see some secret look, a nuanced expression, hinted at someone else but myself, about myself... the fear grips me. am i being analysed outside of my awareness? it's probably the worst aspect of my (non-DSM diagnosed) OCD - i'm not obsessed about what others think about me per se, just paranoid that the above-described complete shut-out could exist. what if mum really thinks i'm just wacko? what if my friends really think i'm just full of it? what if that stranger already knows how contrived i am but is pretending not to know me? what if they are all pretending to be who they are to me - and i have no way to tell?

hmm. maybe that isn't that scary after all - now that i've typed it all out. i think i may be able to face that with some courage... and God's presence.

"enlightened" praying

just an observation i've been making for a while now.

we often pray in such a manner:
"Lord, send forth Your Holy Spirit!"
"Come, grace us with Your holy presence!"
"Be with us!"

... insinuating that either a) the Lord isn't with us, b) some sort of invocation is necessary, or c) that these words help remind us we are in His presence. the former two are actually quite absent-minded, to say the least, for Christ himself did say that He will always be with us, both at the Last Supper, before His Ascension, and physically manifest by the descent of the Holy Spirit. indeed, much of the spiritual theology discussed in the many letters after the gospels assures us of His continued spiritual presence with us.

maybe it really isn't that huge a consequence, but c) is, to me, a significant point in seeking personal holiness. the human condition is such that remaining crisply aware of our Christian-ness at all times is always a challenge - and central to this challenge is remembering God's presence in our lives. prayers with these so-called 'invocations', if rationalised to be words that remind ourselves of His nearness, do become erstwhile prayers.

the (lengthily protracted) distinction is that we need not ask/plead God to be with us as if He might not be so; but rather, such stylised pleas are really more like laments of our own human weakness in being unable to be mindful of His presence at all times. in a sense, praying for God's presence (as if He wasn't present before) is unnecessary, and may even reflect a little poorly on a Christian's faith; but praying that His presence may be made more palpable, or that we may be more sensitive/worthy of His presence - that is an earnest Christian prayer.

another "problem" with some prayers are the almost senselessly self-centred petitions. these are multitudinous and may be more common than realised: for example, praying for grades, health, that a loved one may recover, weather, traffic, being on time, etc. all these little things which bother us in life, but we know God is Lord over - why not ask Him for a little supernatural assistance?

well, firstly, such an attitude attempts to place God "in our service". even petitions generally supposed to be good such as praying for peace, happiness, good fortune, etc, could have a deeper selfish perspective wherein we are really hoping that God would simply make things better for us. the importance of acknowledging this negative attitude lies in the fact that investing our faith in God's "dependability" on resolving such matters could have the reverse effect: how many Christians have turned away after seeing God fail to answer their pleas? this method of praying also tends to obscure the individual's personal role in such matters - praying for peace could dilute your own role in working towards it. if you feel called to petition for some general goodness, never forget to pray that God may reveal His plan for you in that mission. chances are, noticing a certain petition could predispose you to being a key figure in bringing that petition to fruition!

secondly, we could look at the proto-prayer: the Lord's prayer. while Jesus spends the first 3 lines glorifying the Father's name (to remind us who's serving who, nonetheless!) He simply uses "give us today our daily bread" to summarise all our various particular petitions. the only 2 specifically-mentioned petitions then follow: "forgive us our sins", and "deliver us from evil". at the end (yes, we often forget these last 2 lines), Jesus goes full circle and praises the Lord again: "for the kingdom, the power, and the glory are Yours, now and forever", which doubtlessly also reminds the person who prays to be humble before the Lord and accept that "not my will but Yours be done".

so Christ's example, thru this extrapolation, indicates the right focus for our prayers: to pray for the Father's mercy and deliverance. as His children, we definitely ought to share with Him our daily problems as well, talking thru with Him matters which matter to us and bring us anxiety. however, this discussion, if it degenerates into a "child asking for prize" session, would greatly lose the dimension of two-way communication. when petitioning for something close to your hearts, do not fail to listen for His reply! prayer would be so much more enjoyable if it wasn't merely mouthing wishes into the air, you know. being open to His will and seeking clarity and discernment are much more fruitful and mature forms of prayer, don't you think?

besides, if He looks after the sparrows and the flowers, He is definitely looking after those needs of yours too. if it does not seem like He is, fear not! you don't have to suspect that God is abandoning you... but do listen and discern if this gift of pain is to toughen you up or to bring you in line with a greater plan of His. and be resilient: prayers for discernment often take much more time if you're not used to it.

know that the Lord is with you at all times, and He hears what you ask. now, all you need to do is listen and seek His will.

GAW

g: Lord?
G: ya?
g: why did you make evil?
G: did i?
g: you don't know?
G: you think?
g: you can't not know... you're omniscient right?
G: maybe?
g: what do you mean maybe? you're supposed to be three omnis: omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent!
G: sounds like it?
g: sounds like?? geez... has being God gone to your head?! there's got to be some law against such frivolously imprecise answers!
G: i could say the same for you... but first, let me flick your forehead for using Jesus' name in vain first. [a Godly finger twangs g's forehead with a mighty boom.]
g: OWW! now that's just childish!! when did i even say Jesus!
G: the "geez" which you so imprecisely used as cover-up for some other swear word - that's what a minced oath is - and that's against the second law...
g: rrright... and i was punished for something that merely sounded like Jesus...
G: ...and back to that "sounds like" part. do you have any idea what omnipotence is?
g: well, it's like you could do anything? no restrictions? like a genie?
G: hmm... which is why i only said "sounds like" it.
g: you mean there are restrictions even for you? i mean, i can get it that you're not like a genie...
G: haha... even the word "restrictions", understood here in this context, specifically - precisely - using the human intellect, would not completely capture my situation.
g: ah... the ol' "creatures won't understand me" escape route eh?
G: and to where can i run? every i go, i am there!
g: [pause] that's almost like a joke.
G: except that it's true too. dear, i know how hard it is for you to understand me. i don't wish to impose either, but in order to have any meaningful relationship, there must be something we can hold on common ground.
g: which is why we keep trying to understand you... the nature of God... theology...
G: that's all very heartening! i'm very proud of you for having come this far. but you see, just as you might never ever truly understand your future wife's nature, so could you still focus on what's important.
g: okay, i'm listening...
G: love me.
g: [longer pause] Lord, you know i do...
G: then...
g: feed your sheep...?
G: spot on.
g: i am trying... really hard, dear Lord.
G: and that is why there will always be some evil.
g: huh? you mean i actually got hold of a hint? i mean, i knew you wouldn't forget my initial question... but i didn't expect that... where's the link...
G: doubt.
g: ah... it's Mr. D again.
G: yup. it's the killer of all relationships. you can't truly love if you can't fully trust.
g: so because i'm only "trying real hard" instead of "be it done unto me according to thy will"...
G: yes, my child.
g: then so be it. i am your handmaid. just as Mary wasn't sure when she said 'yes', so will i not dwell on my doubts today.
G: then today, there will be no evil about you.
g: praise be to God!
G: aw, you're too kind.
g: not half as kind as you!

some growth and some retardation

when u march forward in some area of your life, something somewhere will begin to swell, and once it swells, your view gets obscured. for every step one gamely marches forward in pride-induced blindness, one must tumble two steps backwards in the most humiliating fashion.

the rush of adrenaline from CAW is proving to be double-edged. am i zealously marching for God's glory or am i seeking my own pedestal? must what i consider good ideas in my head necessarily be broadcast? must what i detect to be oversights demand an audience with the overseers? when i exercise my gift of judgement, am i also committing the sin of judgementalism?

four words. patience, humility, appreciation, gentleness. let me indulge in this self-reminder for a moment: the thinnest of lines can be swayed towards the white simply by adhering to these four words, no? even in a fast-paced environment, how can being Christ-like not lead to doing the right thing?

and thus i look to slow my pace. patience requires objectivity in managing time.
and thus i look to quieten myself. humility requires solace in solitude.
and thus i look to decrease critique. appreciation requires pure positivity.
and thus i look to be understanding. gentleness requires sensitive chivalry.

obedience and tenacity, where art thou? if only my person could possess you two strangers by serendipidity, who could resist calling me blessed! o furtive Spirit, pray thee fly no more... but land upon my soul and clench Thy fiery talons deep into my heart - bleed me dry if need be! grant me the supernatural will to tenaciously obey my King - and so let my person be consumed with pure love of Thee.

my partner's right. the same excuse cannot apply more than once, since it then requires an excuse for using that excuse again - a recursive nightmare! it's time to straighten up once again. the new goal: all growth and no more retardation.

extra: firm apologies for all the nonsense spouted thus far. please feel free to calumniate me for them: i have prayed for the grace to desire that retribution.

fighting him

i shouldn't be blogging... it's 1.30am and i'm supposed to wake up at 7am uh... today.

but i just wanna apologise for the lack of posts... been really busy with CSS work. yes, i'm working my arse off for the Almighty, even though i still have so many grouses for Him. heh. don't worry, it's not hypocritical; i just kinda disagree with Him sometimes (or He hasn't changed my mind yet).

more importantly, i implore you who have less of a doubt problem than i do to truly keep me in your prayers, along with my CSS compatriots. i can sense that we are attempting huge plans this sem, and somehow the temptation to slacken is growing. it may be his attempts to slow us, it may simply be that i'm not as strong as i believed. either way, i could use some prayers, whereupon Mr God can prove He listens =) sounds like a good deal to me...

oh, and thanks for watching over me. i don't like admitting it, but yea, i've felt Your presence. along with his. you watch my back while i fight him.

Christmas Thoughts?

what do you think when standing alone throughout the 2-hour advent service? strange thoughts, i assure you.

It is always tempting to call a young man uninformed for his lack of wrinkles, and to call an old man wise for an abundance of the same.

Just as youth breeds pride, so does age invite negligence.
So shall communication end in conflict and history mire in hiccoughs.

Thus speaks a youth weary of speech: what despair awaits him in evanescence!
Yet if he persists in silence, who would hear his heart breaking?

Then pray you, cry out!
Suffer alone no more, O Solipsist!
Still, he may utter not an audible syllable until his hair grays and his digits tremble.

Whereupon he shall speak his father's tongue, and impress his son's quiet.
Praise, therefore, the Lord Almighty!
For all is but vanity.

am still struggling with norm-bending ideas... but really, i am tired. why does god bother to give me these ideas? why put them in this mind in such a country? sounds like sadist pleasure to me. i am always thinking "change" in a static society. i must bring god such joy.