i thought i was going to sleep, but the thought didn't really appeal to me. it's these mindless thoughts that keep one awake, only to realise that one wasn't truly awake, only staring with open eyes. so what if your neurons fire upon sensory stimulation? so what if you believe you have vision? what matters is that we never truly experience truth. even when we attempt to live life the fullest we can. it may simply be the best lie you've ever told yourself.
and with that in mind, i attempt to change the world. no wait, the world is big. it's got 6.5 billion people. i'll start with singapore. and what a place to start! everyone's a mindless robot. if i had for one moment believed that i wasn't thinking, i just need to look around me to console myself.
everyone hates the pap. you'd think that's because they've done a good custodian job and imposed good stern rules to keep singapore in good shape. wrong. they've used every possible short-term strategy there is to maintain their hegemony they could ever think up and used it on the poor populace. once upon a time, we singaporeans were tough, we fought for our independence, we fought against racial injustices, we shed blood daily to build the nation (now we hire bangladeshis). today we are just a desolate people long ago succumbed to the brainwashing powers of the men in white. with their keen sense of indoctrination and materialist massages, the hegemon had no trouble imprisoning the 4 million hardy dogs in their own minds. sph, ns, cme, cpf, hdb, coe, erp, gst, isa... i think there were at least 2 dozen other cold faceless acronyms that have come to dominate our reality.
if any singaporean truly believes s/he understands her/is reality, let her/im stand up! oh no, we don't even have the courage any more - our knees have gone to jelly. who knows which phantom sniper would shoot your head off when you say lky should just die. who knows which sycophant is gonna sack your sorry civil servant ass when you decide to spoil your worthless vote. who knows when the day will come when one of your outspoken friends would get locked away in sentosa without any warning. is this all we are capable of? fear? cowering in the false prosperity of the incorrupt party? clamouring for puny upgrades to overpriced hdb flats we will never be able to pay off in our pathetic lifetime? bloodthirstily scanning coe prices for the right time to scrap a mint-condition car so that you can get that next one to show off to your other bloodthirstily coe-scanning friends? and of course, nothing beats mugging your brains to mush just to score that flimsy A on a worthless certificate.
yes, tonight i mourn, for the reality that i was going to allow myself to escape from (through sleep). the only problem is, morning always comes too soon, and before anyone can begin thinking, i'm stuck in the daily routine yet again. the melancholic wailings of a semi-subservient loser... what ever the fuck did i bother to type this for. small wonder i keep my private addictions and pretend to pretend they don't exist. small wonder a small part of me dies away every morning.
and you know what? it was easter. perhaps the hopelessness i see in the country is the reason i over-exert myself in css. perhaps the hierarchical nature of the church seems a great proving ground for my liberal socialist ideologues. i am treating my religion like an opiate - to soothe my wounded idealism and to escape from the harsher reality.
why don't i just go play guitar instead.
Showing posts with label prose. Show all posts
Showing posts with label prose. Show all posts
Monday, April 17, 2006
Sunday, January 15, 2006
the absolute of absolutes
there is something going on within me threatening to overtake my reality. something undescribable, so unidentifiable it lacks description. something that may have been born of my unreasonable desire to understand the world, a desire that ran amok even though it has no reason to fuel it. something born of a mind losing its will, losing its perception, losing the very idea of self.
is this insanity? of course, insanity is describable, whether objectively or subjectively, insanity is a description based upon intuitive proofs; manifestations which can be compared and tested for truth. what is growing within me is beyond proof or manifestation. i can't see it, i can't sense it, nor can i even guess at its existence. will it ever surface? it might just stay within, it might even stop tormenting me one day. all i know is that now, whatever that thing is, it is growing within me.
perhaps it is corruption? a kind of generic vice with no identifiers, the kind that people are tempted to call the "root of evil"? and yet it does not register as such. it may be viewed as a negative influence, granted that i am losing myself, but that negativity itself may be negated when you consider my self to be a meaningless existence. what is wrong with removing references to that which never truly existed? is such an exposition of truth unsavoury? then i must say that this feeling of bad taste is the source of evil... unless truth itself is corrupted.
but the "it" within goes further. without a clue, without a sensation, "it" maintains a hold on me, all the while without materialising into any culpable entity or even an emotion. it is almost ominous, yet it may very well just have been my imagination. that fleeting state of near-existence, the lack of certainty, "it" remains unknown and unknowable. that it always escapes any form of grasping, that it is purposeless, formless, conceptually undetected, this always tempts me to try harder to find it. even though i know that i may lose myself, or lose everything else.
what is "it"? yes... you might have been able to guess... one common name for such a frivolous non-item is Nothingness, the absolute of all absolutes. of any idea that can ever claim to be an idea, Nothingness is the most absolute. could you say that nothing is less than nothing? perhaps... if you understand what "nothing" means in the first place. for all the emptiness surrounding my knowledge of Nothingness, i can only tell one thing for certain: that Nothingness is growing within me.
perhaps... i am becoming Nothingness.
is this insanity? of course, insanity is describable, whether objectively or subjectively, insanity is a description based upon intuitive proofs; manifestations which can be compared and tested for truth. what is growing within me is beyond proof or manifestation. i can't see it, i can't sense it, nor can i even guess at its existence. will it ever surface? it might just stay within, it might even stop tormenting me one day. all i know is that now, whatever that thing is, it is growing within me.
perhaps it is corruption? a kind of generic vice with no identifiers, the kind that people are tempted to call the "root of evil"? and yet it does not register as such. it may be viewed as a negative influence, granted that i am losing myself, but that negativity itself may be negated when you consider my self to be a meaningless existence. what is wrong with removing references to that which never truly existed? is such an exposition of truth unsavoury? then i must say that this feeling of bad taste is the source of evil... unless truth itself is corrupted.
but the "it" within goes further. without a clue, without a sensation, "it" maintains a hold on me, all the while without materialising into any culpable entity or even an emotion. it is almost ominous, yet it may very well just have been my imagination. that fleeting state of near-existence, the lack of certainty, "it" remains unknown and unknowable. that it always escapes any form of grasping, that it is purposeless, formless, conceptually undetected, this always tempts me to try harder to find it. even though i know that i may lose myself, or lose everything else.
what is "it"? yes... you might have been able to guess... one common name for such a frivolous non-item is Nothingness, the absolute of all absolutes. of any idea that can ever claim to be an idea, Nothingness is the most absolute. could you say that nothing is less than nothing? perhaps... if you understand what "nothing" means in the first place. for all the emptiness surrounding my knowledge of Nothingness, i can only tell one thing for certain: that Nothingness is growing within me.
perhaps... i am becoming Nothingness.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
just imaginary
~~~ i m a g i n e . . .
...if i had gotten a guitar when i was 5, would i have practiced still my fingers bled and set my eyes on turning into a guitar virtuoso? would i have quit school, spent half my time with the guitar everyday and neglected everything else? what if i was simply classically trained in, say piano or violin (like the rest of bourgeois singapore)? would i have skipped NS like a certain someone? would i be even more megalomaniacal than i already am right now?
...if my parents had divorced when i was in sec sch, would i be better off? would i be more matured? would i have had such a dramatically different experience in life that my entire personality would have been something else altogether? would my mum be happier? would my bro be happier? would my dad be happier? would i be happier? would it have mattered?
...if i never doubted anything, prefering to simply leave it in the hands of some higher authority, shrewdly sidestepping occasions which would draw me to ask unnecessary philosophical questions, would i still be serving in church? could i have become a slipshod atheist? or worse still - a clueless "believer"? will i end up closer to heaven or hell? will i make more friends or lose them all? would i be happier not attempting to understand what "happy" meant?
...if the entire universe were to say "fuck it" to the current laws of physics, would our souls be affected? if we found some way to warp dimensional rigidity, would it be universally catastrophic? what if physics discovers God in this peculiar fashion? what if the future of the entire known universe depended on that one scientist's decision to take that "leap" and go beyond understanding/obeying the rules? if that decision were up to me, would i have said "hell yeah" nonchalantly without thought?
...if every individual on the planet were to suddenly be awakened to the reality that social rules are not necessarily obligatory unless consequentially implied, would there be chaos or peace? what if each soldier realised that they weren't fighting for their "country" but some political/diplomatic blunder? what if we realised that most laws and the entire modern judiciary system only serve to protect the rich bullies who didn't need the protection in the first place? what if the popes, dalai lamas, and mullahs where to say that most religious doctrines only tell you to accept your fate in order to keep you docile and manageable? what if you found out that most cultural norms and taboos are no more than transient fads destined to be superseded in some manner by people who dare to do so? what if society isn't god and never was... but we've all been blind slaves to an imaginary one in our minds?
...if i were to cease existing tmr, would it matter in any metaphysical sense? how about socio-evolutionarily? parapsychologically? i know it'd matter to quite a few people in some plausible manner, but above and beyond that... would i get to see God if i ceased to exist? if i ceased to exist, then what? how about if my entire existence prior to that were to be wiped off in some mythical way? what if i don't cease to exist physically, but all instances of my existence are to be erased? what if i became an undetectable ghost? what would that be like?
and that's why i'm human - i can imagine. can you?
...if i had gotten a guitar when i was 5, would i have practiced still my fingers bled and set my eyes on turning into a guitar virtuoso? would i have quit school, spent half my time with the guitar everyday and neglected everything else? what if i was simply classically trained in, say piano or violin (like the rest of bourgeois singapore)? would i have skipped NS like a certain someone? would i be even more megalomaniacal than i already am right now?
...if my parents had divorced when i was in sec sch, would i be better off? would i be more matured? would i have had such a dramatically different experience in life that my entire personality would have been something else altogether? would my mum be happier? would my bro be happier? would my dad be happier? would i be happier? would it have mattered?
...if i never doubted anything, prefering to simply leave it in the hands of some higher authority, shrewdly sidestepping occasions which would draw me to ask unnecessary philosophical questions, would i still be serving in church? could i have become a slipshod atheist? or worse still - a clueless "believer"? will i end up closer to heaven or hell? will i make more friends or lose them all? would i be happier not attempting to understand what "happy" meant?
...if the entire universe were to say "fuck it" to the current laws of physics, would our souls be affected? if we found some way to warp dimensional rigidity, would it be universally catastrophic? what if physics discovers God in this peculiar fashion? what if the future of the entire known universe depended on that one scientist's decision to take that "leap" and go beyond understanding/obeying the rules? if that decision were up to me, would i have said "hell yeah" nonchalantly without thought?
...if every individual on the planet were to suddenly be awakened to the reality that social rules are not necessarily obligatory unless consequentially implied, would there be chaos or peace? what if each soldier realised that they weren't fighting for their "country" but some political/diplomatic blunder? what if we realised that most laws and the entire modern judiciary system only serve to protect the rich bullies who didn't need the protection in the first place? what if the popes, dalai lamas, and mullahs where to say that most religious doctrines only tell you to accept your fate in order to keep you docile and manageable? what if you found out that most cultural norms and taboos are no more than transient fads destined to be superseded in some manner by people who dare to do so? what if society isn't god and never was... but we've all been blind slaves to an imaginary one in our minds?
...if i were to cease existing tmr, would it matter in any metaphysical sense? how about socio-evolutionarily? parapsychologically? i know it'd matter to quite a few people in some plausible manner, but above and beyond that... would i get to see God if i ceased to exist? if i ceased to exist, then what? how about if my entire existence prior to that were to be wiped off in some mythical way? what if i don't cease to exist physically, but all instances of my existence are to be erased? what if i became an undetectable ghost? what would that be like?
and that's why i'm human - i can imagine. can you?
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
what is feeling?
"staring into someone's eyes and wondering why they stare back at yours."
"hearing a voice over the phone and attempting to explain the strange sweetness it conveys."
"brushing someone's arm and falling into the dilemma of restraining yourself from plotting to reconstruct that scenario again even when it felt so damn good."
"smiling yourself silly without ever stopping to wonder why."
"that subconscious effort to talk about stuff other than yourself, to especially focus on stuff to do with that someone."
"walking and walking and walking... without ever feeling it."
"vulnerability that doesn't get abused."
"time well spent."
...and so you see, for someone attempting to deconstruct feelings, it's still impossible to escape its infinite grasp. indeed, it's almost like the more you attempt to distance yourself, the closer it breathes down your throbbing neck. feelings do not care if you understand them or not... they just go ahead and happen. it's like rain... you don't know it's started till it hits you.
so... why this rush of quixotic emotion? if only i had a handle on this situation... yet strangely i don't consider myself lost - in fact i feel like i've found myself, somewhat? my existence continues to confound me in the weirdest manners possible (as the reason in my head would have it).
now that something within me has been laid so utterly bare... what next? should i prepare to apprehend these fleeting ghosts of reality experienced? should i embolden myself for some affirmative action? shoud i consider embracing myself for some devastating aftershocks? i do not wish to pursue clairvoyance, but how i wish i knew what lies ahead.
i guess i should wait.
"hearing a voice over the phone and attempting to explain the strange sweetness it conveys."
"brushing someone's arm and falling into the dilemma of restraining yourself from plotting to reconstruct that scenario again even when it felt so damn good."
"smiling yourself silly without ever stopping to wonder why."
"that subconscious effort to talk about stuff other than yourself, to especially focus on stuff to do with that someone."
"walking and walking and walking... without ever feeling it."
"vulnerability that doesn't get abused."
"time well spent."
...and so you see, for someone attempting to deconstruct feelings, it's still impossible to escape its infinite grasp. indeed, it's almost like the more you attempt to distance yourself, the closer it breathes down your throbbing neck. feelings do not care if you understand them or not... they just go ahead and happen. it's like rain... you don't know it's started till it hits you.
so... why this rush of quixotic emotion? if only i had a handle on this situation... yet strangely i don't consider myself lost - in fact i feel like i've found myself, somewhat? my existence continues to confound me in the weirdest manners possible (as the reason in my head would have it).
now that something within me has been laid so utterly bare... what next? should i prepare to apprehend these fleeting ghosts of reality experienced? should i embolden myself for some affirmative action? shoud i consider embracing myself for some devastating aftershocks? i do not wish to pursue clairvoyance, but how i wish i knew what lies ahead.
i guess i should wait.
Thursday, October 13, 2005
losing touch?
do you feel like reality is somewhere there, just beyond your fingertips, a slight hairline away from your grasp? do you feel like somewhere outside of your knowledge, something is moving ahead in an unknown direction while leaving you behind, stuck in a strangely abject loneliness that you don't even understand? does it sometimes seem like you exist only because you believe so, and that your significance hinges on that leap of faith?
well, you're not really alone la.
you just need to get re-introduced to your Ruling Elite.
but of course, you can also get introduced to your Average Cock-Talker.
life's a peachy peach: as long as you don't realise it's just a prune.
well, you're not really alone la.
you just need to get re-introduced to your Ruling Elite.
but of course, you can also get introduced to your Average Cock-Talker.
life's a peachy peach: as long as you don't realise it's just a prune.
Saturday, September 10, 2005
saturday morning
it was 9am when i first assumed i was awake. with seeming ease i had gotten out of bed, but then i had no clue why i woke up. why did i wake up? i spent the next few surreal minutes trying to elucidate. i even spoke to God. but all i had was a bunch of prescribed reasons for waking up: one shouldn't sleep too much lest one becomes a lazy ass, one has many things to do which require a state of awakeness, one could not reasonably exist in the real world while still stuck in dreamland.
by then i had washed up and was sitting in front of the ol' lappy. maybe i can continue reading stuff off the net? seems helpful... to get some momentum into doing whatever it was that i had to do. unfortunately, i sorta got stuck once again. the net is a powerful magnet, even when it's surfing something benign like wikipedia. the worse part of the deal is that this magnet drains you of your energy. and before i know it... i was back in my bed.
so there, i spent saturday morning pretending i was awake. now i could only wonder what saturday afternoon will be like...
*note to self: stuff to do includes media write-up (4/10), gender poster (11/10), prepping for social theory (24/10) & IR essays (4/11), finding out what to do for philo (?), catching up on (about 30) readings, shopping for hostel stores, collecting money from various various ppl, fixing lappy wireless, cantoring+guitaring for arts comm mass... should be all for now.
by then i had washed up and was sitting in front of the ol' lappy. maybe i can continue reading stuff off the net? seems helpful... to get some momentum into doing whatever it was that i had to do. unfortunately, i sorta got stuck once again. the net is a powerful magnet, even when it's surfing something benign like wikipedia. the worse part of the deal is that this magnet drains you of your energy. and before i know it... i was back in my bed.
so there, i spent saturday morning pretending i was awake. now i could only wonder what saturday afternoon will be like...
*note to self: stuff to do includes media write-up (4/10), gender poster (11/10), prepping for social theory (24/10) & IR essays (4/11), finding out what to do for philo (?), catching up on (about 30) readings, shopping for hostel stores, collecting money from various various ppl, fixing lappy wireless, cantoring+guitaring for arts comm mass... should be all for now.
Saturday, May 07, 2005
slight feeling
-zoning out-
these days, the feeling of feeling nothing is becoming exuberantly frequent... it's almost like getting high, but then nothing is spinning and there's no zany euphoria. maybe a little more like being lightheaded without the giddiness or fainting spell. it's when you stare at something... and the object dominates your attention so completely that you forget who you are, where you were, or what you should be doing. it may not even be something corporeal - i spent a cool fifteen minutes pondering the wondrous innovation known also as the doorstopper. yet it is still distinctly different from simply zuobo-ing because a vital sensation is present: wonder itself. ah... the wonder of wondering aimlessly... which is why it is not just simple langour, but more of a slight feeling. leaning on the edge of exploding into frantic emotion, yet firmly tethered by that fuzzy tinge of tranquility. is this the feeling of life par excellence? the mood an art afficionado enthralls with while appreciating the intricacies of a Van Gogh or Carravagio... the liberating tumult a father gets watching his first child's birth... the fleeting tickle in the cyclist's tummy as he speeds over a hill and experiences zero gravity... it's like realising you've fallen in love with life again.
all that just because the exams are over. heh.
these days, the feeling of feeling nothing is becoming exuberantly frequent... it's almost like getting high, but then nothing is spinning and there's no zany euphoria. maybe a little more like being lightheaded without the giddiness or fainting spell. it's when you stare at something... and the object dominates your attention so completely that you forget who you are, where you were, or what you should be doing. it may not even be something corporeal - i spent a cool fifteen minutes pondering the wondrous innovation known also as the doorstopper. yet it is still distinctly different from simply zuobo-ing because a vital sensation is present: wonder itself. ah... the wonder of wondering aimlessly... which is why it is not just simple langour, but more of a slight feeling. leaning on the edge of exploding into frantic emotion, yet firmly tethered by that fuzzy tinge of tranquility. is this the feeling of life par excellence? the mood an art afficionado enthralls with while appreciating the intricacies of a Van Gogh or Carravagio... the liberating tumult a father gets watching his first child's birth... the fleeting tickle in the cyclist's tummy as he speeds over a hill and experiences zero gravity... it's like realising you've fallen in love with life again.
all that just because the exams are over. heh.
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