how to disappear completely

you know, life is really quite fun. you meet people, you laugh, you discuss deep far-out philosophical ripostes as if you understood them just for the heck of it. then of course, there's also the not-so-fun parts, where the challenge is really to just get thru with them as though they were fun too.

now, back to living my life.

no so long ago, when i was in secondary school, i had a thought experiment. instead of spending all that effort trying to enjoy life, making sense of things, looking for a reason to wake up tmr, why not find a way to disappear?

which brings me to radiohead's obscure song, "how to disappear completely". i don't even remember much about the song, other than rating it 4 stars in my mediamonkey, most likely for the title. in one decade, i have yet to think of a way to disappear completely, without a trace, without affecting anyone else who still wants to continue existing. i mean, if you just 一走了之, many ppl would be quite affected lar. how irresponsible! wanna disappear, should at least do it in such a way which minimally impacts others, especially those who love you. the effort would most likely involve one of those dystopian erase-all-traces kinda thing, but that is unfortunately unachievable for most of us. "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" gave me a glimmer of hope too, but making everybody forget about me is just as tough eh? not like the mind-tampering technique even exists.

so now i realise one thing: there's no way (at least with our current technology) to disappear completely. which leaves us with either continue living or dying (which is excessively messy). to conclude, it is because of this mildly coerced choice which leaves most of us living, attempting to find some value in taking the next breath, commissioning the next thought with some grand meaning.

is this the root of all anthropic perspectives? the dilemma of being stuck with an easy choice which requires a lot of effort and constant exposure to insecurity, and a difficult choice with no security at all. thus, we force some sensibility out of this absurd reality. we invent logic. we create science. we worship gods. if not... what would we do? either way, you're stuck with life.

with reality already created and so strongly in place, "how to disappear completely" becomes a dream, a mere song for commercial profit. why bother fighting established principles of life? why, life is already full of difficulties as is - leave it alone. let go. let someone else do the thinking. feeling indignant about choicelessness is little more than being brash and emotional. you may not agree, but everyone thinks you should have better things to do.

and without so much as a sigh, i go back to living the life imposed.

smells like religion

14 oxygens waiting to be read - bad time management can really squeeze God out. but now that the deadlines are firmly dead, what's next? i start sifting thru some of these oxygens, and the first thing i notice is how the message jumps out, but separated into two tracks. one, that nice fuzzy feeling of some higher being looking out for you; two, that strange dissonant ring of doubt.

"smells like religion."

that is what an atheist would say, no? i have been wrestling with some of these questions for too long... and every time i think of blogging about them, i have to stop myself. what if these words cast an indelible mark of insecurity upon my readers? this blog is not merely for myself. these are not simply ideas i wish to air. there are people - dear friends - who will see them. if i can see a need to exercise prudence as an exco member, then even more so should i not air these virulent doubts.

but... i already have aired a slight hint of these doubts. they are highly philosophical in nature. if i've learnt anything from 'Hume & Kant', it is that some of these questions can be debated for another 200 years and we will still not arrive at any greater clarity. yet i feel a strange connection with them... just like how the mind of an 'empirical realist' or a 'transcendental idealist' deals with existential questions fascinates me.

"smells like philosophy."

why does that not evoke the same kind of negative connotation? why does grappling with philosophical questions which concern the very state of reality itself seem more acceptable than dealing with questions of faith and afterlife? is God more certain than cognition? why do i feel academic about doubting my senses while doubting the bible reduces me to queasiness?

"smells like sociology."

norms. socialisation. peer pressure. monkey see monkey do. if you care about any person, you would care about that person's belief system. between attempting to deconstruct beliefs which are taken for granted and giving the believers due concern and respect, is there any path to tread? or is battling the comfort zone doomed to all-out war? i need more demarcation, yet perhaps it is something impossible to achieve.

and yet, this so-called concern for others still rings hollow. i believe my uneasiness is due to something deeper within - that fear of deconstructing faith itself. what if i succeed? what if i become the person i claim to be trying to understand - an atheist?

what ever it smells like, the only reason why "smells" is used instead of "sounds" or "looks" is probably because it is one of those senses which don't alert you all the time - only in times of sensibility. i pray the sensibility sticks.

unmotivatable

is this one of those "lows"? i don't know. all i know is, i've tried what i believe to be "summoning some strength" but it never does materialise. am i barely hanging on? when my mind goes kind of blank and i forget - really forget - just what i am doing or the reasons for doing so, a part of me begins to give up. i surrender (not exactly to god) and i must admit (not because i'm humble) that i've overestimated myself.

i simply don't have what it takes to juggle all i'm juggling. i'm not delicate enough for this balancing act. i'm not capable enough to organise all those clashing thoughts. i'm not even stable enough to deal with these issues as what they are - separate issues.

i have to give something up. before i bloody crash and burn.

tired

so tired of preaching.
i need to start practicing.
why are you holding me back?
that's what i really wanna do!
why do you warp my reality?
why fill it with wars?
i've had my fill; it's not what i wanna feel.
you've been defiled; and i'm concerned.
what are you concerned with?
my deep consternation -
with these condescending nations?
let them descend!
then send me to them!
when they've saved enough,
then it'd all depreciate.
let me save them - i was born for it.
let me appreciate it.
but you're a stubborn god, aren't you?
if society was god, you'd've stubbed your toe.
you'd've toed that line
between socialism and communism.
but you don't communicate with us -
you're just an export from the US.
quit practicing consumerism;
it's quietly consuming our preaching.

can you hear the spirit...

...calling come away?

if you hear about it,
and you think about it,
even talk about it,
what would you do?
what would you do about it?

if you read about it,
and you write about it,
even sing about it,
what would you do?
what would you do about it?

i've heard your calling -
a fire raging in my soul,
a slight tremble in my fingers
as the images fill my mind.

i've witnessed your glory -
the undeniable fruits of faith.
but my heart continues to doubt;
these thoughts escape my control.

when you see mountains of obstacles
take heed my friend, recall his words:
all you need to move them is a mustard seed of faith!

are you sinking in your sorrows?
are you worried about tomorrow?
are the pressures of this life too hard to bear?

try to cast your cares on him
he'll give you perfect peace within
can you hear the spirit calling come away...

capitalist greed... or feudalistic greed?

i have a new habit of making short posts.

would you prefer a world where materialism and petty capitalist feuds ruled the headlines... or a world where religious wars and ethnic conflicts are the norm? so long as selfish greed is endemic to the rich/powerful, capitalism would just be a less physically violent presentation of outright warfare.

obedience & tenacity

why stop at being a phag?
now i can be a phagot.

to be Obedient to God and the authorities He has placed in power over me.

to be Tenacious in accepting the trials He has entrusted me with.

Amen.